Lost In Your Eyes

1:20am

Why I am still awake and typing my second post in the last six hours? I just can't sleep with a heavy heart the past few days. I'm into something that I really just can't explain. I'm into something that bothers my inner me big time. I keep on saying that I'm okay and yet I am here grimacing in pain that was brought by my own past. A part of my past doesn't haunts me today but it almosy killed me last night. How I wish I wasn't there a year ago. How I wish I wasn't there two years ago. I thought I'm already done reminiscing the pain that, that person brought to me in my life. I thought we won't cross our roads again. Literally, we didn't meet at all, but something about her still stabbing my chest with a dagger. I just want to be happy. I just want to have a normal life, but with her, my life become miserable day by day. I know I'm already mature person after what happened almost a year ago. I'm trying to become a grown-up person in every little aspects in my life. I'm trying to become cautious in dealing with my emotions in the past twelve months. I don't even tried to look for a girl that will offset any pain in my heart. I don't even tried to look into a girl's eyes because I know myself that I am not ready to fall in love anew. I'm quite busy in my studies and tried my very best to do all the necessary adjustment for me to make up for the lost time. A month. Two months. Three. Six months. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven Months. That was eleven months ago. Just when I thought I can already continue to live my life normally. A dagger relating to her stabs me in my chest. The dagger that almost killed me eleven months ago. But this is a different dagger, it is a double-edged dagger, but with the same effect and mission, and that is to kill me. Am I bleeding right now? I don't think so. Because all the blood in my system refused to flow out of my body with the same thing that almost drained them eleven months ago. And it really sucks. This anger in me, towards that former angel that became a devil, ignited an unbeatable flame. I want to burn all the bad memories, all the scenario, all the things that was associated to her and destroy that dagger with my own blood. I can't barely continue my feelings toward a new lady because of the dagger that is still in my chest. A very visible dagger that almost killed me eleven months ago. I hate to be in this place. I just can't continue a wonderful journey that I went into the past one and half month. It is like I'm in a luxury cruise in the middle of the ocean, but I am there all alone. I'm lost. I'm so absurd in a point that I can't think anymore how will I be back to the shore. I just want to have a wonderful journey with this luxury cruise, but I won't even avail it even in my imagination. I'm in a cruise, but the one I am dreaming to be with was in that elegant ship next to this luxury cruise where I am boarding. The dagger in my chest is the reason why that lady in that elegant ship cannot even bid her goodbye to me. I really want her to be with in in this luxurious cruise ship. I want to sail around the world with her. I want to go to the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco with her. I want to cook some pasta for her. Watch with her the sunset seating in a bench where the famous Full House was built. Lay down under a tree in any part of Korea when it is autumn. I just only want her to be with me in those destinations. I just want to live a normal life after all these years. I just want to share the happiness that I felt on the past one and half month with a young lady. A lady that I never imagined to shake my whole me in a very small amout of time. As I just want to live a happy and normal life not all alone, but with her.

3:42am

I don't mind, not knowing what I'm headed for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in heaven
When I'm lost in your eyes

Lost In Your Eyes