Back Again

I thought it already ended two weeks ago. I was wrong. I'm writing for almost three fourths of my life, but I never been as struggling as if what I am right now. I can't think the right word how to start my daily post. I cannot barely think positively towards an idea around me. Why should I be in this feeling? I want to write so much, but my mind is the only one running in my repertoire right now. Please! Make my hand works well like a month ago. I still deeply in love to her. Even though she don't talk to me nor replied with my messages. I am a man without a hand right now. Yes, you're reading this thoughts in reality, but this is not me at all. This is not my best. This is not what I am. I'm incomplete. I want at least my hand back again. But I want more my angel back again. Even for one last time. Before my whole system eats me as a whole in this despondency.

Asking Maiah

Do you still remember your childhood sweetheart? The person in your early age on which your young and inexperienced feeling was first tested. Do you still remember his/her name? or even his/her surname? Do you have the moments when you’re still young on which you told that person about your real feelings towards them? Do you still have the communication nowadays? How are you and that person at this point of time? As is? or Something have develop between the two of you through the years?

When I was six, I’ve met my so called childhood sweetheart. We make acquaintance for the very first time in our preparatory school. She was very lovely during that time. Her dimples are truly heaven sent. Her smiling face makes my heart and body wiggle. In my stay during those days in that school at young age, I’ve seen she was a witty girl. She talks confidently and a very talented person in other fields too. Basically our school, our house and their house were just nearby on each other. We’d play in their house together with other girl I guess.I'd remember that both those girls bullied me so much, but that was just for fun. Doesn’t mean against so much to me. We became classmates until the second grade in a Catholic school. In my third grade my family decided to move into a new house. In my young mind that means so sad. The girl I’m playing with for almost three years will be gone. It makes me cry. But we need to move come what may. Who am I to refused? I’m just a kid. That was March 1998.

Years passed by easily. I didn’t see her again. I remember her face very well, those dimples? Absolutely I miss them badly. No communication and No news equals No more dimples. I graduated in elementary and highschool without any idea if she’d graduated too. Many things have changed. Many things developed. Many things were still remembered even a decade just passed by in a blink of my early heart and mind.

The long wait is over, until the 2nd day of the semester by November 2007. A common friend told me that she graduated from the school where, I and the girl I’ve known had studied. Eventually that common friend know the person I’m looking for. Suddenly, I smiled. This is it I guess. I ask that common friend for the name of the girl in her Friendster. After that, I went out of the school to rent internet and search something about my long-waited childhood sweetheart.

“She changed a lot”. That’s the only line in my mind. From a silent and witty girl to an expressive lady. She gone so far in my expectations. I don’t feel any disappointment, but the feeling is kinda weird. What she is right now is the least person I expect her to be. But, I saw she looks cute and happy in that field. She is right now a musically-attached lady. She’s a vocalist of their band. The voice is superb. Images speaks for itself. I know this is her. Even I cannot believe at first sight. I’m so bless that I’d found her. I sent her a personal message in her account telling her that I was her former neighbor and buddy when we where six or seven. The feeling of contentment arrives in me during that moment.

Deep inside of me, my heart shouting the famous line of Archimedes. “Eureka! Eureka! I’ve found her!” and the rest is history. By this time of this article, Me and that girl still haven’t meet each other yet. Time constraints and profession complications hinders me to do so. I know time will come for it. The most important for me is just to have a line of touch with that girl that I’ve met when I was six, changed a lot after nine years, miss a lot of things about her life, the girl who is now so much dedicated to his career a singer of a rock band. I am so happy for her. Things changed a lot for her, fortunately in my case, the dimples are still there. And so those wonderful smiles too.

To my beloved childhood sweetheart, MAIAH.

For a Princess

Why is it we need to lose something in our life, for us to realize their worth? Is the feeling of losing them at first place enough to bring them back into our life? Why is it we realized their importance too late? Does it mean to say we need first to get hurt before us to be contented and happy? Why is it in my case, I lose someone that is very close in my heart on which I can never ever have her back again. It has been four years since I enter these school of sufferings, regrets and disappointments. I wish by now, I could graduate already. For the reason of, I learned my mistakes in difficult way. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and be by your side during those days. I know you have your life by now, A Life that I hadn't given into you. For my pleasures, the only thing I wanted is to see you smiling at all times. How many times I've said this line already, but I ain't stopping to say it anew.

"I just wish you universal happiness you ever wanted, and I am sorry for not being a part of that happiness, I'm so sad that I disappoint you. I also disappoint myself so much too. You will be forever have the biggest space occupied in my heart. For the time that I let you go, I don't mean it, but I did. I know I'm not worth it for the love you gave to me, but until now that four years were already gone, just never put away the idea that once in a while, I am deeply in love with you at the wrong place and at the time on which you'd loved me back just like how I was loved you at first place."

Is it worthy that I've learned the lessons in this way?
I think I deserved all of those things.
After four long years, I know I've learned so hard about it.
I just loved to finish this bitter course right now.


To be dedicated to one and only PRINCESS that I know.
Congratulations, you made it!
Cheers!

Denouement

So how's my day?
I think it's just an ordinary day.

I'd download movies, psp games, watched the movie, play the game, call the office of my incoming summer job(still waiting for the results, damn!), edit the blogs, open my online accounts, write and I think I'll sleep a little bit later. It is so hot in this day. I hate the temperature of my body, it frustrates me a lot. I cannot barely move because of the damn heat across the air. I hate summer! Especially if you're so bored doing habitual stuffs repeatedly. I'm searching for something new, something different that I can burn my time effectively as three things cross my mind somehow.

Maybe reading books will count to that I guess. There's a lot of e-book lined-up in my psp, but somehow, even the book is quite interesting, it just ain't motivated me to read a book right now. I think it's the weather factor again. Whew!

Watch the movies I've downloaded? Honestly I just burned my number 23 dvd, having six movies on it I guess, just yesterday. Again a lot of movies are lined-up in my list on those 23 dvd's of six movies each (128 overall movies), I still have 40 plus movies that I didn't watch yet. That's a Lot! Sighs!

Write my long-drafted novel in good form? That will be wow! Still not yet ready for that. I ain't finish it though, so that will be an X-mark. I still thinking of revising it all over again. The subplot is kinda conclusive for me, well I said conclusive, because I can see myself in so many ways in that story and that was the thing I'm preventing to happen from the start. Unfortunately I ended up there.That's bad! So bad! As a remedy I need to think once again. All over again. Figure out the things that should be eliminated and brought the plot that comes to my heart. A synopsis different than my story. A character of my Ideas and A character that deals with my Ideals. Wishing that I will finish it in the right time. As I imagine it to be posted in this blog in the future.

So Good Luck to my Wishful Thinking!
Strive Harder pal, I know I can make it.

Omen to Amen

I guess this will be it.
Yet another unhappy ending story for me.
For the two well-publicized years in this blogs, I'd always updating those events in my life especially my sentiments towards my so called- my lady. I guess my posts truly serves a spoiler on both of us. I just keep doing it over and over again. Well, I know, the lesson that I needed to learn was way beyond this blogs. If she just red this lines, I heavenly believe it would make a difference. Unfortunately, she did not; and that put me in vain.

I realize five things about the blogs that I'm dealing with.

B for BLUNT, I am so blunt. I maybe writing so suave and polish to my mind, but with other person's perception I'm so flat. I am just a fool.

L for LOST, I feel so lost, realizing that I needed to choose to give up something. As I choose my passion. I know deep inside of me, No regrets at all.

O for OBJECTIVE, Objective on terms of I even sacrifices my love, for the sake of intense and sensible writing.

G for GUTSY, in terms of I am so much courageous even I'm on the wrong side of the story. I still believe on my worthless principles that turns my fate around and lastly;

S for SELFISH, I am so selfish. Without considering other persons feelings. I just want to pursue something for the benefit of my own intentions.

Blogs gives me the signs already.
So be it.
Time to turn those omens to my amen.

As I hope, I did the right choice.

What's better? Trying So Hard or Trying So Much?

Are all questions are made to be answered?


I'm quite incomplete for the last two weeks. I guess, even though it so early, I miss somebody. I miss my peers, the complicated world inside the school, the calculations, the estimations, and of course, I miss Her. I'm still like a unanswered final test paper. She just leave me in a blank. No trace of erasures, just full of frustrations. I told myself last night try not to be so "emo"; Try to be not bitter about it anymore. She's not for you. Almost had it, but not quite. I had all the chances but I still miss it. Had all the opportunities but I'd waste all of those. Had her in my life so close more than I'd expect it from the start. I just don't work things properly. I ain't able to balanced my debits and credits in my Life. I just again give so much part of me to someone I believe to be the right person. But no regrets, I want her so much, that's why I did. So what's my question that ain't answered? What did I done wrong? I just cannot think any foolish actions in the past. What's wrong on me? Why is it, when I tried so hard, it end always like this? Am I wrong? or they are? I guess I just can't differentiate anymore the meaning of trying so much compare to trying so hard. I'm more of the so hard type of person because come what may, the quality itself speaks for itself, in any aspects of our lives. I know, in many cases, We will try so many times for us to succeed or to achieve something we dream of, with the learning and sacrifices bestowed into us by our past, Someday it will come. It is just a matter of waiting. Just a matter of Time, as I again do hope, pray and wait.

C & A

Connotations and Argumentations

“Because everyone may have the capacity, but not everyone has the guts to prove it to the world.”

- Jophalyn L. Davadilla

I’m so inspired with those lines. It is part in the article of UE TODAY written by a successful lady in her own field, Ms. Jophalyn L. Davadilla. It is somehow correlated on what I’m thinking right now. My blogs are still in the midst of unusual issue that I know cannot be fix yet. Am I so gutsy about this writings? Am I exaggerated sharing the things I loved the most? I know I’ve done something very silly. All the blames are mine, but I’m so sick of it right now. Get rid of me about the issue. I’m so tired, mentally tired not emotionally.

“If it hurts so much, it’s not bad to give up. it doesn’t mean that you’re a loser, its just you’re a human..”

- Lesie Caling

By now, Let me think about my emotional stress. Am I tired? I guess I am, things are always happening as I always wanted to stay away from it. It’s just always there. I just cannot get rid of it. I just cannot give up one thing. A friend told me that if we’re in love sacrifices are always be on it. Surrender a part of you for the one you loved. But what if those things are so much important to my heart? What if I cannot let go one of them for the other? What if I love them both? What if Writing and Herself mean so much to me? How can I? Truly Impossible. Treat me as Loser anyway, but I cannot choose. Just don’t let me choose, I love them both, so much.