In The End

I will not end this year without any single post in this month, and that is why I am here. Today is the twenty-fifth day of December, the birthday of our Savior, Jesus Christ. This day will also serves as my final day of carrying this six month long burden. I wouldn't state any name. I wouldn't need any responses nor any violent reactions. I just realize that it's time for me to settle and leave all those angsty moments because there's nothing more left to do.

This is absolutely for you.

This whole fantastic work of art WERE made for the lady I used to loved. Every single post of this site were inspired by two long year of inspiration and dedication for that said lady. It is so hard for me to talk to someone like this. I don't know why I am explaining the relevance of writing for someone outside the thought of my former special someone. I know you didn't know how much I love her during those days. Two years that inspires my crucial comeback in the college. I do believe that you will never ever feel the way I was before. She serves as the link that figured out what I'm missing and what I needed. The rest is damn history. I just want to clear things up. There were a lot of frustration during the period, as I think and almost do the weirdest thing upon losing her just for your stake. Why is it you? There are a lot other men out there, Why He allow this thing to happen especially on how were treating each other? I just can't find the real reason. Why there is something that needs to sacrifice for someone to be happy?

We don't need to talk at all. I need no explanations. At first place, you are not "principally" involve here. I know deep inside yourself you need to make me realize that you are ignorant in this scenario. Deep inside of you, you need to explain and apologize for something that you might think hurt me. Honestly it doesn't hurt me at all, because it killed me big time! I cannot bring back the old days, because it's killing me everytime I see you. I wanted you to know the six months you are into was like heaven, mine was hell. I am not angry nor disappointed but I just cannot take the blame for myself at all. I am not stupid to think that way. I want you think and feel the way I will called, burden-free. I know someday this things will make me realize how much I gathered my deepest feelings for that lady. I will also realize how much sadness overcame me for me to move on, for me to grow, and for me to cry all the water in my whole system. I want you to know how much I'm so dedicated and passionate for what I called "the love of my life". I will not request you for anything. I will not say to work things out properly. What's the sense of saying it if you cannot do it? Just Do it. I will never pray for something like this especially if it's not even for my own benefit. What's the sense of praying for it, if He already plot what should things will be ending? I know its quite poetic, but you need to feel my language and understand what is the real intent of this post. It is a must. We don't need to be okay, but we need to be free from burdens. Do your part, not in me, but beyond what is the real reason of this whole damn blog site. I'm not preserving my life-long frustrations here for nothing. I want you to become a part of this as I shout to the world that I giving it up already. I don't know if it is worthwhile for me to do so. As I do believe this entry will typically complete my blog for the whole year of what I called, "A quite Sensible Year".

"..........And though it seems your sorrow never ends, someday it's gonna make sense."

It's Gonna Make Sense

It is not the end

And my selfishness embraces me once more...

It is indeed another emotional night for me. Last night I said to myself, "Be ready!"., and yet as of now it is earlier than I thought that I will be in tears again. I'm in a middle of nowhere as of the moment. I can't enjoy things around me. I am not writing this thing not just because I wanted to share the weirdest reasons for my crying a.k.a. my "downfall". I am doing something again with my beneficiaries are Me, Myself and I. How I wish, I'd never stop for that semester. All of you guys and girls are so magnificent. I came from a grave down under when I'd returned in June of 2007. Suddenly I'd encountered at least ten new special persons in my college life. Slowly I really got comfortable with them. I never felt that I am the latest addition onto them. It seems we knew each other from the start. And I am so grateful for that assumption. I am so blessed to meet those kind of people. It is really not how our bond starts, it is how we perform in the middle and how we finish it. Right now as the climax of being a college student is about to end, the end is getting harder and harder for all of us, especially in my case. I want to share those remaining five months with them BIG TIME! I want to laugh with their corniest jokes, enjoy even when they already smirking in those sensitive jokes. Guess those scariest and creepiest words via charades.Wear those lingeries and boxers because it is their gift in your birthday. Pose a million of times in a wacky picture shot. And get paranoid for those tipsy trippers that can't control those alcohols in their head. It is such a wonderful ride with you guys. What a fantastic TRIP it had been. In this short break of us before our one final ride in our life-dream destination, I realize a lot of things. One of which, it isn't enough for me to limit myself on those 2 full wonderful years at all. Because I am still so frustrated because of why I don't have all of you a little bit more longer. I will be missing this guys. Next year by the end of the third month, the dreams will already be reached. In my part I need to wait for another seven months for me to do so. I am really enthusiastic for that chance. that is given Sorry if I'd surpass my boundaries again. If you'd only knew how I feel right now. It is such a feeling that I can't share nor can explain any further. I just so insane thinking that all of you guys will be leaving soon, and it kills me. But there's no choice for me but to accept and continue fighting, strive harder and continue to grow up.

"The only unsinkable ship is FRIENDSHIP"
THANKS!!!

A Thousand Miles

Comments Please! :)

The Joke

I really really need to write at this moment. I need to do this to release all the angst and frustrations in my mind. I need to explain something briefly. I didn't plan to do all this weird things happening to me right now. Two months ago I am so badly broken, in a search for some ways that can help me mend my broken heart. Come to think of it, I just need "something", but someone just came across by my side unexpectedly.I know all of you guys thinking that I'm badly injured and that is the reason why I am acting like this just to offset the former. My answer will be, "It is not like that". First of all, I know all of you will take that scenario in your mind, and I can't blame you guys with that. But I still can't believe this thing is happening to me on a untimely manner. I am not saying that I ain't sad for more than eight weeks right now, my point is don't limit your mind for thinking that way. I can't help myself to carried away and I am so emotionally vulnerable for those moments. And all of those things started with a joke. A joke that now I swallowed through my mouth. And this joke ate all the burden in me, cleared my mind somehow and a little bit mend my heart. I just can't help myself to realize that it is not a good joke to throw because here I come again, liking someone unexpectedly.

I Started A Joke

I need some of your words guys and girls
I just need SOMETHING to lean on,
comments and also recommendations are accepted below.
Thanks! :)

To Angeli

This will be a very special post to a special and an older friend of mine. Happy birthday to you my dear friend. It has been nine years since I first saw that little angelic girl wearing those glasses in the our old high school building. It took four years for me to get to know that lady personally. At first I thought she was a child minded type of lady but she proved me wrong that she looks so rational in everything she do. She's not that perfect of course, but she always trying her very best to look so perfect in her special ways. I really loved the attitude of this young lady. Honestly I am a avid fan of her. At her young age I can say she's already a successful woman in her chosen field. As I wish her all the remaining parts of her incomplete happiness to be with her in this new chapter of her life. You are on the right track little woman! I just want you to know I am always here to listen for your stories if you have time. I am always here to share your leisure time If you are not that busy. I am just a text message away to fetch you if you needed someone to go home with (One month to go!). I am just an email away if you think that your resume is not that competent enough. I am just a buzz away if you need some e-books about your first interview's do's and don'ts. I am just a missed call away if you wanted me to harvest your plants in your farm. And I am just an inch away for every success and decision you will be accomplishing and making in your so wonderful and colorful life. I am so grateful that I become part of that complicated life of yours. I am so grateful that you become a close friend to me. I wanted to ask sorry for everytime that I am saying that I always hate you, as I know you know I feel the exact opposite of it of course. I am sorry for the immaturities I always bring to your busy life for the last five years since we become friends. I am sorry for those irrelevant missed calls. I am sorry for those buzz and non-sense emoticons. I just want you to feel the best thing in your life having someone like me that is so stubborn whenever you are online. I am just so blessed that I have a friend like you, who even I don't share my good stories is still there for me to listen to my worst-case scenarios love stories. I know I don't have the right to ask for more to the thing you are giving as my old lady friend. Even I ain't your male best buddy, on which not that too important to me, I still treat you my closest lady friend in my twenty years of living here in the world. Now on your twenty-first birthday I want to tell you, You deserve all the things that you have right now, but those ain't yet enough for a lady like you. You deserve more and better. As I wish you'll find those things in this year or the next coming years. Goodluck to your career, I hope I will be like you in my next one and half year as a college student and a board taker.

"You are such a perfect lady for every man's eyes."

I wish you all the best as I am always here for you, my best lady buddy.
Happy Birthday to you Angeli Anne F. Pascua!!!

Good To You

Please put some words beneath the time posted. :)
I want long reactions because my middle finger is aching while doing this thing.
No words like FART! or else..... :)

Point-Blank

Here I come again. My overflowing emotions are carrying me into another undecided state. I hate those things that happened to me and to my fingers. But look, I am still writing even with that restriction. That is the proof that I just can't let go my favorite hobby which is writing- in any means. The big deal why I am writing right now is the fact that I felt so unsure for the last five days. A strange feeling embraced me anew. An old feeling that I threw because of my immature mind and immature heart. But now after four long years, Am I matured enough to try to get this feeling again? Or maybe I am just on a mode of sympathy for someone who was crying for someone who I think don't even deserved a single tear coming from her. I think I deserve more than that wicked man. But who am I? I'm such a young man still trapped in his past emotions, and confusingly trying to get that feeling again.

"If this is a joke, I hope people, including myself, treat this literally as a joke. If this is not that way, so what is this? Because this ain't that funny, this seems so scary for me."




Trying To Get The Feeling Again

Bittersweet Cheese

I miss my writing sessions badly. A lot of school stuffs are a little bit done for the next one and half week I guess. It is my time to make up for those lost time. It is kinda awkward because for the past few days I'm attempting to make a new post in this blog, I just can't find the right word how to start it. Today I am making this post out of nothing. I want to share something that I still don't know. I want to confess for something that I ain't sure. I am still hurting for that damn lady. I know I used to loved her so much before, but right now all the feelings that I am into are very awful and full of despair. I can't take the fact that I am here all myself all alone. I still just can't take it. I just can't accept the word "TRUTH" even I witness all of those fucking things with my both eyes. I can't make myself realize that I nothing at this point of time. My efforts, my feelings and my inspirations that give me a lot of meaning on how to live life differently just collide in a blink of my eye. I am so affected on all those things develop not in my own benefit but with her another man. I am quite sensitive on the things their telling me, quite emotional on the pictures that I am looking and quite indifferent on every person who talks like they knew all those pain hiding in my smiles. I am like this just because of one reason. I am pitying myself deeply. It seems that I didn't sacrifice a lot of things just to have my world-renowned ANGEL. Today that cherubic creature seems so devil in me. I hate her for making me feel this way. But there is nothing that I can do, The only thing left for me is just to move on. What the heck?! What a word! What a world. This is so cruel. I can't help myself to cry every night whenever I am alone. Can't make help myself to look so far away just not to see those couples holding hands. Can't make myself realize how she dumped me and buried my whole world on the a hole she dig especially for me. I am so disappointed for these weird and unjust things. She makes me wonder if she really is the ANGEL that I'm into almost for the last two years of my life. But she proved me that I am wrong. I can't deny the fact that the feelings are still there, but I guarantee you damn lady, I am not into you at this moment in time. Stop assuming that I am. What the hell are you thinking? Yes, I am so sad for the things you brought in me in the past few weeks. But I need to better get going because a lady like you, don't deserve a cheesy young man like me.

"Stop pretending that you are an angel, because you're definitely not a heaven sent."

Howie Day - Collide

Just Got Sweetened

I want some time for someone right now. I am quite busy in the last few days because of lot of dirty works and paper works. By the end of this week, it'll be my time to gather all the learning I'd acquire for the last one and half months of our mid-academic term. I want to hang out with that person, talk to that person every night and personally view the colorful smile in her lovely face. I maybe using flowery terms in this post, but those terms are just evidence on how I hardly find a word to express the gratefulness in me. I maybe very busy in the next hours but I still want to have a time to that person. Because It is such a different feeling, A feeling that after all those bitterness, something that is sweet come into my way. Goodluck to you marmmb in the coming days. Goodluck to my examinations. The test that I badly need to claim the things that I had lost because of being bitter. Again a lot of thanks and a lot of goodlucks for me and for you!



Cheer up!
Goodluck!

How Deep Is Your Love

Keep and Deep

What a wonderful day.
What a damn feeling.
What a way to ease those tedious moments.

It is such a perfect moment to throw all the burden I'd absorb last weekend. I'm so grateful for those people who comfort and support me. Thanks for the time you allotted for me. We all know this is hard, but we need to face this. Truth really hurts. I guess I need to get back my old tough form. I need to be the BEST ME right now, because if I ain't be like that I will be losing a lot of significant numbers in my grade card. I need to be my OLD ME. I never took anyone for granted in my emotional journey last weekend and that is the main reason I can say to myself that,"I deserve to be happy without hurting other people's feeling."

"Happiness is a choice, So choose it wisely."

How Deep Is Your Love

The Acquaintance

A lady noticed the content of myself-acknowledged blogs were more on being emotionally decline, always unhappy and very sentimental. Upon reading her message, I'd frown just little bit. Thinking that she was correct, it is indeed a melancholic page. From that point I'd agree to her, it is time for me change the aura of my post in this blogs. It is time for me to rejuvenate with my post and with my attitude. The process that I'm taking right now is not an easy task to do, but I need to keep going. We all deserve to smile every now and then and live life into fullest. Yesterday seems to be a different day for me. I am kinda excited the whole day and I don't know why. I'm kinda nervous and conscious on the way I look. I'm a little bit rattle and sloppy on every move that I do. And suddenly saw her also frowning and uncalm. The lady I first saw with a facebook account having uncolored profile picture. A lady that is full of gloominess weeks ago, asking her always to smile despite engaging a critical and emotional incident in her life. Asking and Giving advice for something that in the real world I ain't really doing at all. This post is all about happiness, but sarcastically I'm sharing my bitterness in the last eight weeks. But this is different situation on how I escape this loneliness. As a matter of fact, I end that stage already two days ago. Yesterday is the start of another chapter of my life, another chapter in this blogs and another collection of pieces to make a brand new puzzle. That lady told me three things, first I need to remove the mask in my face, secondly to pick-up my lost and forgotten heart and lastly to ask for the coming of my happiness. I just realize moments ago, are you the genie? How I wish you can grant me another set of wishes. Another three, four and even ten more. I want to be happy not only in terms of having someone by my side again. I want to be happy with someone that will never let me down, never take me for granted and never left me hanging solely elsewhere. I know it is impossible to have one, but who knows? Maybe she's just right there starting also to smile just like me. I just wanna share the half of this happiness to you. Yes! It is you marmmb.

Gracias señorita.
Thanks for listening my sad stories.
As I throw it all away right now.

Happy

Stuck in Reverse

Books, Investments, statistics, ads and movies are the definition of my whole day. I need to finish a lot of paper works because I hate doing dirty works. A friend told me that this is the "graduation era". An environment where everyone seems so busy, a complicated moment in time and a pressure pack mind and body. I want trials of course, because I always assure myself to step up into that challenge for my own benefit and to be competent enough. I'm into this place before, I know I can manage it. I need to be Pressure-free for the next hours to put all the things in my mind into actions. I need to read, read and read again. I need to solve, practice and configure my settings again for me to work fine and smoothly. But I wonder why I can't do it instantly, in just a matter of flip of my finger, as I hear the song in the background. I badly needed some sort of a motivation. A person, an idea or a thing will do I guess. So please, just give me one because I really needed to get back on the track as soon as possible. Help me please!

Is there really someone have the time to try to fix me right now?




Fix You

Fall away, Far away

Oh I really miss this thing. Two weeks of stressful information overload and physically worn-out on those sleepless nights. Feasibility, Case study and Moving On process were the sources of my angst for almost a month right now. Additionally these latest development academically, the pressure just got back inside my veins and my whole system. And it is so hard for me. I want something good right now to come into my life to wash away all these sufferings. I wish there would be someone to lean on. I ain't missing those old days, I just miss being in a place where I share my stories for the whole day and for that person to react and comfort me with those anxious moments. I just misses the feeling to be cared and to be loved by someone whom you really care and love so much too.

As I leave you all these emo line...

"I guess you have no idea how much you hurt me. No idea how much the wounds you’ve caused me. No idea how you took me for granted. And no idea how much pain I felt when you didn’t catch me when I fell in love with you."

Cobra Starship - Good Girls Gone Bad

The Sunset

I guess it's the right time to let it go,
If you think I am wrong for doing this
It ain't my discretion for doing it so,
So if you just can't do it, just say it please.

Say

And I Still Do

Is it right to expect for something you dreamt of for a very long time? I guess it isn't that bad. But I'm doing it in a insensible manner again. I cannot dissect things well. Someone said, I'm too blind and too deaf inside of me for not realizing what things are happening in this situation today. The exact feeling of that statement represent what I feel right now. I cannot blame myself for interpreting some facts that are known to me in a uncharacteristic way. Did I misinterpret it anew? Why I'm always like this, very assuming paired with a lot of expectations. I cannot take the fact that I need to leave something I really work hard for the last two years of my life.

From the day I first met a lovely lady in my Business Mathematics subject, for the first time I talk to her in our school library and for the first time in my life to encounter a great lady dressed with her own elegance through his simplicity, I really dreamed to be her man someday, and her as my beloved lady. Two years are now about to end, and still I seemed to be hopeless. I cry so hard wishing that my long time dream will come into life. But my tears aren't enough to call her mine. How many times we argue a lot things about my childish feeling towards her. I never ever got mad to her even somehow way back she treat me I'm just a stranger, a stranger looking at her all day long. Praying that someday we can start something from scratch, make my own love story with her and end it happily. Dreams are not yet come into life, but I'm still hoping somehow. I know someday, It'll be so tiring for me to give myself a part of me for someone who cannot do the same thing for me. I just keep a thing telling my heart and mind repeatedly. "I am just a human, all things on me have its own limitations. What if I'd come to that point already?" Do I need to return the lost pieces of me? or Do I need to gamble the last remaining pieces of me, for expecting that right now she is acting exactly the way I do for her?

At the end of the day, come what may. I am grateful I met someone like you, who change me the way I was before you came into my life. As "I do cherish you, for the rest of my life". I love you even if you think I'm not that sincere. Again this is me waited for so long to say and prove how much I love you, can't help myself to scream, I LOVE YOU.




I Do

Maze & Riddle

Friday night, around 8 in the evening. A rainy night, a cute voice and a nice song. A really great day indeed. I am very happy during that day. I misses someone a lot, and because of my time constraints to that person we really seldom meet for the last twenty days in school. I ended my toxic week with a pleasing attitude. A mind that is at peace, and a heart that full of growing emotions. I ain't like this two weeks ago, but all the hard times are all brushed out just in a blink of my eye, just with a angelic creature's smile. I can't explain any further this feeling right now. But if this is another kind of history for me, and knowing that it isn't in my side. I still do what makes me happy and makes that creature feel happy too, for the my remaining days here in heaven, with that angel.

"Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back"

Lenka - The Show

Mask

Three weeks. Fifteen days of bliss and lot of unfinished businesses. I ain't saying I don't like this, I do really like this scenario. Lot of paper works, memorization, calculations and realizations, Bloody nose, clots in my brain and a wounded heart. I know in nature it felts like hell. But again, if this from hell, why I am enjoying it? I really enjoying it for the meantime. I just took a short break from my study habit simultaneously using the internet, and that is why I am writing this non-sense post now. I just really need a break to assess something what is happening to me right now. And this break is now about to end.

As this line, really give me a hard time to continue what I am doing,

"There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not."

And still I can't take off this mask...

The Great Escape

336

Last night in the middle of being carried away of a certain selfish circumstances, I'd typed an emotional blog about myself being a gutless person. I am courageous blogger but honestly just a weak person in the reality. I cannot gamble for the sake of having a peace in mind. It involves a lot, a lot that I already call a -lifetime. It just like playing a poker game having all my chips at the table and betting all in with no pairs or combination at all. I ain't blaming anybody right now. I am the one making my problems at first place. I am the one engage a lot of this scenario for the last eight years. I thought Coelho's line saying "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." was such a great line, now I regret it. Regret it badly. I thought it'll help me, but look it doesn't really at all. I hate this scenario. I know this ain't the first time, but this will be the most remarkable twist in my story engaging my fate. I just cannot lose anybody right now, eventhough at this point of time I'm badly losing my head figuratively.

And this is so hard for me,
I'm badly wounded with no wounds at all.

Three hundred and thirty six hours and counting...

Shout It

I need to hear a sweet song for me to get going on my writing moment. I need a break for a pulsating and shocking first week of our class. It is a little bit different compare to a normal opening of classes way back. But this time, I feel lesser pressure. I think I'd already passed those critical moments. By the moment I should be reading two chapters of my book a.k.a. xerox copy in our major subject for the sake of having a term paper to be pass on the next day. But something is bothering me since the end of third day of the weekdays. A deep sense that I felt when I was twelve. An exciting feeling that drives me crazy. Act like a child, Fell like a child. Eight years changed in a very detailed manner. Attitudes, looks, friendships, quarrels and the most significant our emotions. In my freshman days in there is someone that my friends and I called our -crushes. They have their own, I have my own too. All of those persons are just a door away from our classroom. Every recess and lunch break after eating, we used to stand outside our front door to spot those lovely, not ladies yet, but lovely girls and they're so cute and charming during those days and way better by this present moment. I cannot describe her in this post by the reason, that I still deeply infatuated to her. I don't get the fact if she knew it though, but I have a sensible feeling that she didn't knew it. Because I didn't said it to her at first place. But I really want to. Crush to infatuation, to a friendly love to a real and serious feeling. But I can't take the risk. I work so hard for the last eight years to be in the place where am I right now. I just cannot gamble that lifetime for me. I know, I'm so carried away by this emotions since that day. This is truly larger than life experience for me. I can't make decision because I don't want to decide. I don't like to give up something for a thing that I know will not benefiting me as a person and as a real man. I want to shout this thing in the whole wide world right now. But something is hindering me to do it. Someone repeatedly whispering me, Better not to do it. Better not to do it. I guess she's my guardian angel!

How I wish I could turn around those p. m.'s .
Better not to do it. Better not to do it. Better not to do it.




White-Horse

Begin with the end in your mind

This is a late post of mine.

A post for a inspirational line in our review subject by a renowned journalist himself, on which he told us "Begin with the end in your mind". The line is kinda catchy when I first heard it. I thought it was a riddle. But I end up reading those lines, seriously. I mean Dead Serious. The man behind those line encouraged us in an unlikely manner. By means of his cliches, and flowery tongue on which very pleasant to my ears and mind. It made me realize a lot of stuff. I know the place where I am right now is not the perfect place where I should belong. But this is the perfect time to be at this place though. A friend of mine told me, she made herself realized that she needs to give her best at this moment. Especially the moment after the graduation. For me it is the same thing. I maybe needing a little bit longer road to overcome compare to them, but I would definitely face it courageously. I know I'm different, but we're on the same road heading at the same destination. As I know, I need to be with them on their soon to be "happy ending" by next year.

Arrivederci

Two months vacation are now only down to two days. The long break will soon finds it long lost end. Most of my schoolmates this vacation will be their last as a college student. For me its not. I'd stop a semester before and that is the reason for my delay graduation. I still have one left. I should better spend it wisely and meaningfully. I'm not saying that my vacation this year is not that meaningful nor spend unwisely. This break was also great. My computer potentials by now was better a year ago. A lot of accounts too. Windows Live is the latest addition. But the highlight of '09's Summer Vacation will be FACEBOOK, especially Texas Hold'em Poker. I'm super addicted on this application. Don't know how to play it at the start but it doesn't hinders me to learn this witty game. By this thing alone, my vacation spends wisely at a higher level. Hahaha! Just kidding. I definitely engage this break with a lot of writings. Three categories of blog isn't enough for me eh? My blogs from its birth encounter a major crisis. But I already resolved it. I write my thoughts, post it and reflect other things about it. Its just a habit for the last eight weeks. Now that the hectic schedule of the school is coming by as early as Monday, my blogs will face another constraint. I guess it definitely will. Just a little bit. I need to strive harder on days to come. Dreams are what I build here. Dreams that will be my path to a better future. My other frustrations will be a little bit awkward if I didn't refrain doing it, simultaneously with the studies. I need to be 101 % focus and fully determine. I need to make sacrifices. As I do hope I can make it. I need to give up a part of this blogs for my life long dream. Seriously I cannot live without my blogs especially this vacation. This is my personal outlet in terms of being mad, sad and bored. I still be reflecting unto this blog, don't worry about it. But I will just limit it. As I truly love this online journal as my ever wanted lady. With that love I'll be leaving you all guys a line that says...

"When there's love, there's Sacrifice."


I'll be seeing you soon guys!
Arrivederci!

Me to You, You to Me

I'm Sorry

This is for a lady whom I misquoted.


I didn't intend you to think about it that way. I just got carried away from my emotions that also involves something that is similar to you. I didn't think first before I write those words. I didn't consider the sensitivity of the issue. I'm sorry about it. Sorry for the fact that I got so prejudiced about it. I just wanted you to think positive over it for the next seven and half weeks. I wrote the wrong words that results a misinterpretation. This shouldn't be a big deal for myself, but on you, It is larger than life. I'm sorry. I just got flanked out my own stories about it. I hope you understand. Again my apologize is with you.


Believe and Deep in my heart, You will!

If you read this, please comment below so I know I'm already forgiven.



Sorry Na

I am & I will

Two months and sixteen days of doubts were now all brushed out. Apologies and worries were over now. Back to the basics I guess. I wanted to take this spaces to say thank you for a lady I admired the most. I never thought I will holding this chance for another time. I mean for the last time. I will not say it frankly, but I know by now there's nothing left for me to do. She gave it all back to me. It's my time to give it back to her. Come to think of this line by a friend of mine named MAIAH ( as her shoutout ),

"I'm not saying goodbye, I'm just letting go."

I'm not a person who give up for nothing. I will do this because of what I feel about her. But giving up in a witty situation like this is the best remedy. Nothing in regards to feeling will change. But I will preserve one thing in contrast on what I feel. I cannot lose her for another time. Time is very critical by now. I want to be with her in her remaining days as a student. Even I'm just a friend. I'll accept it. Acceptance is the best thing to do right now. No complications with that though. It's the best thing for me for the moment. I am very happy on how things works fine especially this day. I am grateful that for another time/chance/friendship, my so called ANGEL, had given to me. As I will not promise one last time, I will never break this last golden opportunity she had given to me. I will just do it more than words, more than the writings of this blogs, because definitely I Will.

As I leave all of you guys these cute song.

The Beatles - I Will

Is it the Color of Forgiveness?

I know this ain't over yet.
All of the things that I'd regret
The moments that I can't forget
Hoping that everything will be reset.


Probable but yet not impossible,
Suffering comes to an end like a rainfall
Thinking that you are my sweetest downfall
As I gave up, now that my back is against the wall.


I know asking a second chance is a difficult thing,
But asking for a third one is more impossible to bring.
The damage that it had been brought were truly at its fullest
Makes my one and only self to feel the worst and the harshest.


I thought I will never ever be forgiven on what that I've done.
Courageously ready to face the consequences like a real man.
Then suddenly God gives me a wonderful but not conclusively sign,
A color that I thought she never will wear again, but she abruptly decline.

P.S.

"This poem contains a secret message, I hope you'll find it."

"Thank You so much for reading this. I wish you could read also the things on the right side of this page specifically the "ESPECIALLY" part because its all yours, I make them all for you, now without any photographs in thumbnails. =)"

-jre

Poker Face

Yeah! It's on the title itself. Facebook's Texas Hold'em Poker Application really drives me crazy for the past 2 weeks right now. I almost got a hundred of bucks late this afternoon but unfortunately loses more than half of it right now. Sighs! So sad. Gambling, speaks for itself. Just the thought that I want to reach something on a moment and suddenly losing it for an instant. Life is just like this. We gamble sometimes for us to achieve something, upon overreaching it, It sends us down back to earth with both feet and body on the ground. So mushy true.

Falling Literally

I've seen her unto this day after two long agony months. No eye contacts. No face to face conversation. No signs of emotion. No given chances at all. This is so cruel. My day got blacked out from that moment. She is the first person I've seen this day in the school with my eyes wide open. It is so painful. The emotional part of me conquer my system anew. I cannot give a word to write on how I feel right now. This is what I've fear the most. I ain’t ready to let go, but things aren't working well by my side. Please, don't treat me this way. Because even actions are not the remedy in this case, just lend me an ear and a hand for you to hear and feel how I truly love an angel like you in my life. If this is not the right thing left to use in my pocket, just say it, send a message and give me ideas how this misery road will come to an end. Because right now, I'm hanging on the edges of the world with only a one hand on its grip. Say it ,for the last time, if I need to let go this chances. I just can't take it anymore, but I still love you come what may.

When It Rains...

I just love the weather on this day. I slept by 2 in the morn with the sound of the raindrops outside. Woke up by nine and yet it still raining lightly. Summertime is now fading away,and here comes the rain! The 2 month vacation of mine is also now down into a quarter. I like to go to school enthusiastically this coming semester and I just don't know why. My feelings toward that thing pumps something inside of me. It is just like a drizzling rain that is showering my whole system on and on again. My unfinished businesses may be the reason why I am acting like this. I felt sorry for a lot of things that I've done during March, but I do so grateful most of the part of that month though. I able to convinced myself into a thing that I didn't believe when I enter it by November last year. I thought I'm a piece of crap compare to those peers, but I am wrong. I'm quite excited because I want to commit myself harder and better. I want to squeeze those doubts and turn them into gold. I didn't believe in myself at first and that thing pulls me down. By now, I will start things right. In a year or two, I will not be like this anymore. Time to get serious for me. I need to cope up a lot of things that I missed four years ago. I've been through rains as hard as a typhoon, am I strong enough by now? I hope I am. For this coming semester, I want not to be a typical student anymore. "When it rains, it pours." What's the meaning of the cliche? If I start those remaining semester of mine right, I believe that I would end up in the right path. I can persuade myself and believe on it at the same time. There is now way out for me right now. I've red a line that saying "It is not how you start it, It is how you finish it." What a great line. As I do believe that I can start things good and quite consistent for about a month by now. And it is still raining.

"Why do writers write? Because it isn't there."
A reflection

The half of our semestral break is now already over. Yet I haven't done so much productive and interesting except for this blog of mine. I must be in the wedding ceremonies of my friend right now but sad to say, I didn't made it. I'm quite contended being at home in the few days, because the weather is so damn volatile. It is truly like a moody woman as they say. Today I am about to reflect in a line that i red two nights ago. The quotation that I place in this blogs that said "Why do writers write? Because it isn't there." made by Thomas Berger.

"Why do writers write? Because it isn't there."

So why do I write? A sense of contentment bestowed in me whenever I write something. When I was on the sixth grade, I realize on that early age that I can write good, on which my History teacher ask the class of ours to make a homework, a poem about a certain topic in our lesson. I remember that the topic is our country's historical heroes, the propagandist and the revolutionist. I can't barely think of my first line in my first stanza. I cannot make myself in a position to start something I really don't know. The only thing I know about a poem is it have a rhyme in the last parts of those lines per stanzas. That it have right and exact number of syllables in the whole poem. Then I start my first poem in my writing life. I do not have the original copy of that poem today. Even doesn't remember anymore those lines. The only thing I remember back then is ,on my first try to share my literary skills on public, my teacher gave me the highest grade being the Best Poem she red in our class. The feeling was unlikely. What a kind of happiness went deep inside of me during those moments. On that day whenever there is a activity involving poems, I really strive harder, put up my best and join in a competent manner when we have those activities inside of the class. At young age, I've spotted myself being a introvert type of person. I didn't compete outside the four corners of our classroom. Not because I didn't want to, but I just don't to be that much publicize to prevent being criticize. I know my work is not that perfect especially my grammars. I just hate to be emotionally inclined about my works especially writing. I just want my feelings and emotions on the top of me every time I write. I didn't pass any poem in our School Organ, our official newspaper for the reason again of being critize unevenly. On the first place, I write because I academically need it. I don't need it personally during those days.

Then suddenly after a year, I need my work personally and emotionally. For the first time I felt in love, deeply in love for a girl. She is my classmate and she is very beautiful in my eyes on those years. Her hair is long, She's quite lean and tall. Having those metallic smiles really melts me whenever I saw her everyday. At my uncorrupted mind, she is the one for me. On those days, I learned the meaning of the word inspiration. Being inspired on which pushes me to write poems unacademically. I have one that I'd given to her. Send another one in her locker. I put a paper in her bag. On which I write my name as the author of those. Obviously she likes it too. As the rest is history in both us. I am writing for the sake being inspired. Words that I used are just representation of my gratefulness being a position that you have all the reason in the world why you need to smile to.

Emotions are gone higher and higher. Unexpected things went in. Depression is the next reason why a man like me used to write. Being frustrated is such a difficult thing to overcome. Being sad about the results of exams, cannot configure the things that a relationship should be fixing that will equate for a misconception will put me in a moment to write and confess my world renowned-frustrations. Writing became an outlet for me to release somehow the pain in my heart. Forget the moment I badly engaging. Writing is my way of escaping my problems, though in reality I didn't evade it. Liquors are the same with my pen and paper. I can be relieve for a moment. Be in a world that I haven't gone yet. For me to realize those remedies to save my world of frustrations, I know Writing plays a big part on it every now and then.

I write for three things, I need to do it, I need to deal with it and I need to forget about it. So what the thing lacking? What is the thing that Thomas Berger said wasn't there? On that night that I'd red those inspiring lines, I realized the missing piece he's intended tell me. The thing that is missing is the feeling of being incomplete. A lot of things were already in our world, but definitely we cannot have it all. We write because we feel we need to have something. A something that will complete everyone of us, as a person. I write to search for myself. I do write because I still looking for a better piece of me. I am still writing because I am still incomplete. I will continue to write for the reason that it gives me a unique deep of satisfaction that will help my journey as the pages of my life continues. I will write until the day I will find the thing Mr. Berger telling me, right in front of my eyes, right here by my side and right here inside of me.

Back Again

I thought it already ended two weeks ago. I was wrong. I'm writing for almost three fourths of my life, but I never been as struggling as if what I am right now. I can't think the right word how to start my daily post. I cannot barely think positively towards an idea around me. Why should I be in this feeling? I want to write so much, but my mind is the only one running in my repertoire right now. Please! Make my hand works well like a month ago. I still deeply in love to her. Even though she don't talk to me nor replied with my messages. I am a man without a hand right now. Yes, you're reading this thoughts in reality, but this is not me at all. This is not my best. This is not what I am. I'm incomplete. I want at least my hand back again. But I want more my angel back again. Even for one last time. Before my whole system eats me as a whole in this despondency.

Asking Maiah

Do you still remember your childhood sweetheart? The person in your early age on which your young and inexperienced feeling was first tested. Do you still remember his/her name? or even his/her surname? Do you have the moments when you’re still young on which you told that person about your real feelings towards them? Do you still have the communication nowadays? How are you and that person at this point of time? As is? or Something have develop between the two of you through the years?

When I was six, I’ve met my so called childhood sweetheart. We make acquaintance for the very first time in our preparatory school. She was very lovely during that time. Her dimples are truly heaven sent. Her smiling face makes my heart and body wiggle. In my stay during those days in that school at young age, I’ve seen she was a witty girl. She talks confidently and a very talented person in other fields too. Basically our school, our house and their house were just nearby on each other. We’d play in their house together with other girl I guess.I'd remember that both those girls bullied me so much, but that was just for fun. Doesn’t mean against so much to me. We became classmates until the second grade in a Catholic school. In my third grade my family decided to move into a new house. In my young mind that means so sad. The girl I’m playing with for almost three years will be gone. It makes me cry. But we need to move come what may. Who am I to refused? I’m just a kid. That was March 1998.

Years passed by easily. I didn’t see her again. I remember her face very well, those dimples? Absolutely I miss them badly. No communication and No news equals No more dimples. I graduated in elementary and highschool without any idea if she’d graduated too. Many things have changed. Many things developed. Many things were still remembered even a decade just passed by in a blink of my early heart and mind.

The long wait is over, until the 2nd day of the semester by November 2007. A common friend told me that she graduated from the school where, I and the girl I’ve known had studied. Eventually that common friend know the person I’m looking for. Suddenly, I smiled. This is it I guess. I ask that common friend for the name of the girl in her Friendster. After that, I went out of the school to rent internet and search something about my long-waited childhood sweetheart.

“She changed a lot”. That’s the only line in my mind. From a silent and witty girl to an expressive lady. She gone so far in my expectations. I don’t feel any disappointment, but the feeling is kinda weird. What she is right now is the least person I expect her to be. But, I saw she looks cute and happy in that field. She is right now a musically-attached lady. She’s a vocalist of their band. The voice is superb. Images speaks for itself. I know this is her. Even I cannot believe at first sight. I’m so bless that I’d found her. I sent her a personal message in her account telling her that I was her former neighbor and buddy when we where six or seven. The feeling of contentment arrives in me during that moment.

Deep inside of me, my heart shouting the famous line of Archimedes. “Eureka! Eureka! I’ve found her!” and the rest is history. By this time of this article, Me and that girl still haven’t meet each other yet. Time constraints and profession complications hinders me to do so. I know time will come for it. The most important for me is just to have a line of touch with that girl that I’ve met when I was six, changed a lot after nine years, miss a lot of things about her life, the girl who is now so much dedicated to his career a singer of a rock band. I am so happy for her. Things changed a lot for her, fortunately in my case, the dimples are still there. And so those wonderful smiles too.

To my beloved childhood sweetheart, MAIAH.

For a Princess

Why is it we need to lose something in our life, for us to realize their worth? Is the feeling of losing them at first place enough to bring them back into our life? Why is it we realized their importance too late? Does it mean to say we need first to get hurt before us to be contented and happy? Why is it in my case, I lose someone that is very close in my heart on which I can never ever have her back again. It has been four years since I enter these school of sufferings, regrets and disappointments. I wish by now, I could graduate already. For the reason of, I learned my mistakes in difficult way. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and be by your side during those days. I know you have your life by now, A Life that I hadn't given into you. For my pleasures, the only thing I wanted is to see you smiling at all times. How many times I've said this line already, but I ain't stopping to say it anew.

"I just wish you universal happiness you ever wanted, and I am sorry for not being a part of that happiness, I'm so sad that I disappoint you. I also disappoint myself so much too. You will be forever have the biggest space occupied in my heart. For the time that I let you go, I don't mean it, but I did. I know I'm not worth it for the love you gave to me, but until now that four years were already gone, just never put away the idea that once in a while, I am deeply in love with you at the wrong place and at the time on which you'd loved me back just like how I was loved you at first place."

Is it worthy that I've learned the lessons in this way?
I think I deserved all of those things.
After four long years, I know I've learned so hard about it.
I just loved to finish this bitter course right now.


To be dedicated to one and only PRINCESS that I know.
Congratulations, you made it!
Cheers!

Denouement

So how's my day?
I think it's just an ordinary day.

I'd download movies, psp games, watched the movie, play the game, call the office of my incoming summer job(still waiting for the results, damn!), edit the blogs, open my online accounts, write and I think I'll sleep a little bit later. It is so hot in this day. I hate the temperature of my body, it frustrates me a lot. I cannot barely move because of the damn heat across the air. I hate summer! Especially if you're so bored doing habitual stuffs repeatedly. I'm searching for something new, something different that I can burn my time effectively as three things cross my mind somehow.

Maybe reading books will count to that I guess. There's a lot of e-book lined-up in my psp, but somehow, even the book is quite interesting, it just ain't motivated me to read a book right now. I think it's the weather factor again. Whew!

Watch the movies I've downloaded? Honestly I just burned my number 23 dvd, having six movies on it I guess, just yesterday. Again a lot of movies are lined-up in my list on those 23 dvd's of six movies each (128 overall movies), I still have 40 plus movies that I didn't watch yet. That's a Lot! Sighs!

Write my long-drafted novel in good form? That will be wow! Still not yet ready for that. I ain't finish it though, so that will be an X-mark. I still thinking of revising it all over again. The subplot is kinda conclusive for me, well I said conclusive, because I can see myself in so many ways in that story and that was the thing I'm preventing to happen from the start. Unfortunately I ended up there.That's bad! So bad! As a remedy I need to think once again. All over again. Figure out the things that should be eliminated and brought the plot that comes to my heart. A synopsis different than my story. A character of my Ideas and A character that deals with my Ideals. Wishing that I will finish it in the right time. As I imagine it to be posted in this blog in the future.

So Good Luck to my Wishful Thinking!
Strive Harder pal, I know I can make it.

Omen to Amen

I guess this will be it.
Yet another unhappy ending story for me.
For the two well-publicized years in this blogs, I'd always updating those events in my life especially my sentiments towards my so called- my lady. I guess my posts truly serves a spoiler on both of us. I just keep doing it over and over again. Well, I know, the lesson that I needed to learn was way beyond this blogs. If she just red this lines, I heavenly believe it would make a difference. Unfortunately, she did not; and that put me in vain.

I realize five things about the blogs that I'm dealing with.

B for BLUNT, I am so blunt. I maybe writing so suave and polish to my mind, but with other person's perception I'm so flat. I am just a fool.

L for LOST, I feel so lost, realizing that I needed to choose to give up something. As I choose my passion. I know deep inside of me, No regrets at all.

O for OBJECTIVE, Objective on terms of I even sacrifices my love, for the sake of intense and sensible writing.

G for GUTSY, in terms of I am so much courageous even I'm on the wrong side of the story. I still believe on my worthless principles that turns my fate around and lastly;

S for SELFISH, I am so selfish. Without considering other persons feelings. I just want to pursue something for the benefit of my own intentions.

Blogs gives me the signs already.
So be it.
Time to turn those omens to my amen.

As I hope, I did the right choice.